I get to the train station 20 minutes early. That annoys me – I have missed the previous train by 5 min, and now must wait for the next one. There’s no other option. I see the girls off to school before heading out myself. And then hit a little stretch of traffic on the way. The first few weeks of my new commute, I tried to rush, to beat the traffic. But then, gave up. My other option, not seeing the girls off to school didn’t sit well with me either. Oh well….
I glance at my watch again. Its only been 5 min. I blow a big breath. I put my head back, close my eyes. Try to concentrate on the music playing through my headphones. I want to close my eyes, relax. But my brain seems all wired up, anxious to get to work on time. Appears as though the hands of the clock move way too slow when you are waiting. Inch by inch, we move closer to 7:22am. The train should have been here by now. The train usually docks at least 10 min before departure time. I leave my car, walk up the platform, pace up and down. And I finally see it coming. I heave a huge sigh of relief. My morning can now begin.
“Services are suspended”- the conductor announces as soon as he gets off. A rush of disbelief, anger – crosses every face on the platform. Then we hear the next sentence – “there was a fatal incident at ***”- that’s just 2 station’s down from where I am. I see others start to walk away; some get on their phone immediately. To make alternate arrangements, to get to where they need to be. I feel myself stuck where I was, I realize I am staring at the conductor. I step back. “When did it happen?” I ask, partly to cover my embarrassment. “15 minutes ago,”.
That explains why the train is late. Why the man who always gives me a big “Good morning” smile looks shaken to the core today – my conductor saw it happen. That also brings to my mind an image of a mutilated person lying on the tracks. The anxiety returns. I look at my phone, I want to call my family, check on my girls – but I have no reason to. I can’t, WON’T call A – he and I are in the midst of one of our usual squabbles. I won’t seek his support. I walk away.
I do get to work that day. I hear bits and pieces about the “incident” and the “victim” throughout the day.
“A young female”
“A 17yr old high schooler”
I hear the name of the school, snippets of her life, reflections of the accident as the commuters of that train recall it on social media.
What I feel though is a hollowness. I make up an image of a family left behind – mom, dad, siblings, friends. It hurts. That morning, I had found a way to get to work. My day went on as usual. But for a mom who sent her kid off to school this morning, the sun never came out.
It hurts. I don’t know what happened. I don’t want to know any more details. I just want her family to find some peace, the support they need.
I hope that somehow, I can make my kids- all kids- realize that there’s nothing that you can’t turn around, that you can’t fix. Turn to those who love you, seek support if needed, but look after yourself.
And- watch where you are walk. Be aware of your surroundings. Listening to music on your headphones, texting, checking on social media – if it makes you lose sense of where you are, then PLEASE don’t do it until you are away from dangerous situations! Stay Safe. Be well. Grow old and ripe, as you should….
My Life and Spice 